Friday, May 18, 2007

Olmert Comes Clean

If Ehud Olmert, the prime minister of Israel, were smart (which, according to the latest polls, 97% of we Israelis know he’s not), he would deliver the speech that follows. Yes, this will be public domain and if Olmert does, in fact, want to use it, he’s welcome to it. I can only promise increased popularity from its use (which is a pretty easy bet at this point). It goes something like this:

My fellow Israelis. Through the use of exhaustive studies, polls, and interviews, I, Ehud Olmert, have come to the conclusion that you are not as stupid as I had hoped. I really thought this whole thing about my ineptitude would blow over in a couple weeks and I could resume benefiting from all the perks and pomp that goes with this office I accidentally fell into. (Stage instruction: smile a little bit right here) I know it certainly has helped fend off all the criminal investigations that keep plaguing me, I gotta tell you.

I know you know we didn’t need Winograd to tell us how badly I screwed up. And I also know we certainly don’t have to wait for the final report in the summer to confirm my inadequacies. Oh…and that whole thing about me being the one to fix things because I’m the one that messed them up? I was really counting on you falling for that one, but again, I underestimated Israeli intelligence. And I’m not talking about the Shin Bet kind, either. (Stage instruction: chuckle a little bit here) I mean, can you imagine a boss not firing an employee for screwing up because only that employee can fix it? (Stage instruction: scratch head in apparent confusion) What was I thinking when I came up with that one?!

So, here’s the thing. I need to keep being prime minister, and I hope you’ll keep me as prime minister. I need to keep being prime minister because it’s the only thing I got. I’ve never had a real job and I’m not as good as Bibi at public speaking. At this point I couldn’t get hired to do Bar Mitzvahs. Let’s face it. That’s the only reason this government isn’t collapsing as I speak. None of us want to get jobs in the public sector! I don’t know if you know this, but there are people out there that work forty hour weeks! I don’t think I could do that. I know most of the people on Labor’s list don’t want to do that, and certainly not the rest of Kadima.

Those of you that know me from being mayor of Jerusalem, know I like to travel a lot. I could never do that if I had to use my own money. Hell, I couldn’t even buy an apartment if I had to use my own money! Is that what you really want? And what about those criminal investigations? You know, if normal people did what I did they’d be in jail right now. Well, I can’t have that.

Therefore, I believe you should all know that I’m going to hang on. I know you don’t like me, you don’t trust me, you have no confidence in my ability, and you know I’m going to continue to make things worse. But I don’t care. Because this isn’t about you. This is about me and my comfort. And as your prime minister, I sometimes have to make some very tough decisions.

So, I pick me.

Thank you.

Submitted by Charley